I crack myself up!
By balls, I mean balance balls. I am sitting on one right now. At my desk, at work. It's a bit sore and not easy to hold your core upright for extended periods of time, honestly.
I sort of want to invest in a balance ball chair for my desk...it's the small changes to your everyday routine that can make a long-term difference, right?
To be emotionally well requires a certain level of safety net, friends, loved ones, etc. Those closest to me know that I haven't felt fulfilled in the friendship department for a while. I had some bad experiences, yes. But overall, I am not completely sure how I got to this point.
I recently read a book about another woman's search for close friends as an adult, and it helped me see clearly some of the challenges with adult women friendships. I am surrounded by female acquaintances, and some of them are utterly wonderful women. And yet, we (mostly) never get past the acquaintance/social pal level.
There are some obvious things needed to establish a friendship - having things in common to discuss, feeling cared for/being kind, being able to LAUGH, being honest, being yourself, not being easily offended (you have to be able to tell a friend if her outfit's bad, come on!). But besides all of that, now I think I have a better understanding of other factors that really affect how a friendship can grow or not grow...
1. Distance
While some terrific women live in this city, some of them live in another part of town where I just don't visit often. I can, sure. And I'm willing to. But for an every-day friendship to develop, you really need to live close to someone. In Atlanta, that's certainly a challenge, since we're so spread out. But someone who is nearby can drop in for a snack or a TV show, grab a drink or a pedicure, or drop off a book you want to borrow without it being a hassle. Unfortunately, I don't know many people I could consider "in my neighborhood".
2. Space
By this, I mean emotional space. Some of the ladies in my life are so terrific, I have slight girl (friend) crushes on them. But...their lives are simply full. That's not a bad thing for them at all! In fact, it's wonderful. They have partners, children, family members they are close to, hobbies they devote time to, and other sets of best friends around them. While we may really like each other, there's simply not space for me in their everyday emotional spectrum. Even though we enjoy chatting, they don't NEED a close friend, so that never develops. Understandable, but a bummer, sure.
3. Mutuality
Is that a word? A friendship needs to go both ways. I have always been the planner, the instigator. I don't mind it, in fact, I usually enjoy it...until it becomes clear that it's a one-sided friendship. It simply doesn't feel good to put the emotion and time into a friendship if the other person isn't doing the same. Some of my friend crushes in the past have seemed so promising...until it just seemed that I was going the extra mile and they weren't, or that I liked them way more than they liked me. Feeling friend-dumped stinks.
4. Time
This is related to space...but according to some research, it takes seeing someone twice a month for several months to develop a sort of bond with them. I'd agree with that...maybe even a little more often? Unfortunately, while some of us want to develop new friendships, we simply don't have that much time to give. I do, but often, others don't. Everyone has a busy week or month...but in general, to sustain a solid relationship, you've got to give it a significant amount of exposure and time to grow with.
5. Vulnerability.
While this should be a given, it's not discussed much. To develop a strong bond with someone, both parties need to be comfortable showing their weaknesses, being vulnerable, truthful...I feel like I have no problem showing where I'm vulnerable, but on the flip side, some of my acquaintances seem to think I'm always pretty strong. I wonder why? Am I truthfully just strong? Or do I not show my weaknesses? I also know women who are constantly competing with each other, or trying to one-up someone, or bring them down a bit. That's a way to destroy a friendship, not grow it.
At any rate, I do realize that I have to be realistic (goes back to my expectations post). I can't expect all of these things from many women. I need to accept that it's perfectly OK to reach a solid acquaintance level with someone, and for our relationship to never grow beyond that. If I meet someone who lines up with myself in the areas above, I think I'll feel the chemistry, right? A good balance of intent/action and letting things grow naturally is probably in order. Instead of lamenting that this is one area I feel like a bit of a loser in, I can try to appreciate what I do have, and hope the universe will allow some natural growth and improvement over time.
In the book I just read, I love the author's point that a true, everyday friend isn't necessarily the person you call when you have a mental breakdown or a fight with your partner...a true, everyday friend is the person you call to ask "Why do I have 4 jars of pickles in my fridge?"
It's the little stuff that counts. It's the PEOPLE who care about the little stuff that count. And really, that's what I want...those people.
One of my weaknesses (in the past) has been fast food...there were times when a McDonald's burger or some KFC just sounded so GOOD. And it was simple, so I ate it. Pretty often. I never really got fat, I guess, but those meals, yummy as they were, never made me feel great.
It does take a long time to break a habit - I've read more than once that the science of the brain reveals that it takes doing something for a full month to make it a habit (and vice versa, takes NOT doing something for a month to BREAK a habit). Over the past couple of years, I've been cooking more and more. I've actually developed some recipes. From my brain!
And now, I'm finally to a place where I usually prefer to come home and cook than to grab fast food. There will always be times when I have to pop through a drive-thru, and some moments when I'll probably crave it and grab it. But my general habit has shifted to buying lots of groceries and cooking at home. That's a plus! My cooking tends to be simple and clean - not a lot of ingredients, but fairly natural and wholesome ones. (Except for the rare occasion when I just want fish sticks. Don't judge!)
This is one habit I am proud of, and I feel better due to its effects. Eating out less saves us money, and makes us really enjoy those outings when we go for them - plus, the money saved on fast food means we can splurge on better meals when we do go out. Score.
I've had this great Spa Sydell gift certificate since Christmas that I thought I'd save for a special occasion, but I recently read (in "The Happiness Project") a great reminder that it's important to "spend out". Instead of hoarding things like that, spend them, get some joy from them. It resonated with me, so I made an appointment for a random Saturday to get a facial. It was a simple facial, cleanse/exfoliate/pore cleaning/toning/moisture, but it was relaxing to go into a calm space on a Saturday afternoon to treat myself. I came out feeling clean and at peace, and didn't miss sitting on that gift certificate at all - it felt good to spend it. A good way to feel well.
By "get ripped", I mean feel like someone is actually trying to rip my legs off from the hip.
I decided to go extra-hard at my Saturday morning Body Works class. This class is great, because it combines an hour of moving (read: cardio) with weight lifting and conditioning your whole body. I really like it. But the Saturday morning instructor is a beast. I began the class trying REALLY hard, and by 15 minutes into the hour, my lower body was trembling like a leaf, making it tough to do the other exercises. I pushed through (with plenty of pauses), but have been mega sore for the two days following the workout. Not pleasantly tight, but SORE.
Wes keeps telling me "no pain, no gain" and then poking me in my rear to see me yell. Oh, husband.
I know it's a good thing to be sore and know your workout was effective at changing your body, but if it puts me out of commission for a couple of days and I can't do my other workouts, is that effective? Hmmm....
There's not much to say about this act of wellness...sometimes I just need to realize I have plenty of paid time off from work, and that I need to take a day off to relax. Catch up. Be calm.
I took a day off on Friday. It was lovely. That's all.
I've been sort of a hermit lately. I can't decide if it's bad or good for me. I've never been a homebody. I like to do things, experience things, see things. But lately, when given the option, I seem to always decide to stick around home, read, watch a movie. It satisfies me, but I am not sure it makes me feel whole and excited about life. I mean, I skipped the Renaissance Festival this year, even when I had plenty of chances to go. Those who know me will realize this is almost alarming! Am I depressed? What's happening?!
So, we decided to get out, and did a weekend evening at Park Tavern for some food/drinks/live band. It's a cover band we've seen and enjoyed before. We got there early, ate, had drinks, met a friend...but the place was utterly jam packed and we couldn't see the band by halfway through. It wasn't a BAD night, but it wasn't a great success, either. Good weather, we had a table to relax at, food was fine. It just wasn't exhilarating. While it was good to be out and about, maybe trying NEW things is where I need to focus...?
Oh, well. I expect some of my efforts this year won't pan out perfectly...can't win 'em all, right?
Most of my friends and family members know that I am fairly terrified of doctors and dentists. I don't know where the fear came from - I haven't had any horrendous experiences that I can recall. I do have a bit of a needle phobia (not a fear of the pain, but the thought of something piercing skin makes me feel completely sick), and I don't like being poked and prodded. I especially don't like dentists reaching into my mouth. I know, it's strange for a 29-year-old, but it feels like an invasion of my personal space/body.
So, I tend to avoid doctors. I do my yearly exam, but that's it...typically, not even a full physical. Clearly, it would be smart to start a year of wellness being aware of my body, health, and any issues that need to be addressed, so I made an appointment with a new Primary Care doctor (recommended by a friend for her attentive manner). I had a few concerns to address with the doctor, but nothing life-threatening. I knew I'd have to get bloodwork done, so I took Wes along to steel me for the dreaded needles. I basically said yes to every test the doctor suggested, so I could get it done in one visit. It wasn't fun, but I did leave feeling more confident in my overall health. Labs come back within two weeks, so we'll see how those stack up. In the meantime, it was an achievement for me to go and get the total physical out of the way. High five!
In the past, I've had a small problem managing expectations. I have quite high expectations for myself, so I tend to expect a lot (read: too much) of other people. That can lead to definite disappointments. I still struggle with it, and there are still times I think people need to hold themselves to a certain standard of personal responsibility or common courtesies.
However, I began my year of wellness by realizing I shouldn't expect anything around birthday time. There have been years I expected (even though I told myself I didn't!) some level of attention, love, or creativity from friends, and that usually turned out badly. Yuck. I know, it sounds ridiculous, and it may be silly.
So this year, I decided that it was truly enough to just relax, read my book, watch some TV, have a nap, and enjoy my day. And...it worked! I loved my birthday, it felt cozy and just...nice.
And as it turned out, I had plenty of birthday love, from friends who took me to the movies and got me some great gifts, my family who cooked me a terrific meal and had some other great gifts, and my husband who got me a delicious cake and had actually wanted to plan a trip or concert outing, until I decided to make it a calm one. The better part was that I was more able to see the birthday love clearly and feel good about it, as I wasn't blocking anything with expectations or preconceived ideas.
So, good success on my first act of wellness, I think...this will be one to keep managing. There's a certain level of behavior one wants to expect, but is that right? I am still debating within myself...
I just turned 29.
Luckily, turning 29 didn't really bother me - in fact, it was pleasant. Lots of people mentioned that "30 is really the big one", and that didn't really bother me, either.
It seems to me that the cliche that "your 30's are the new 20's" is actually quite true. I feel like my 30's are going to be fantastic - we're more financially secure, I am more comfortable in my own skin, we're more settled overall, but also more open to new opportunities...what's not to love about my 30's?
Maybe more cellulite, or slower metabolism? Maybe. Or maybe getting into a rut because we're more steady/routine? Yeah, maybe that, too.
So while I pondered having one year until I turn 30, I decided that this year is a terrific time to be the healthiest I've ever been. I am not into body building. I don't really want to lose weight, my weight is good. I won't ever stop eating cookies entirely. I just want to feel great, and to be healthy from the inside out. I want to begin my 30's in the best way possible.
Wellness, for me, is many-pronged. It involves:
Physical fitness
Emotional well-being
Mental stimulation
Nutrition
Relational well-being
So while I'm not creating a strict everyday routine for myself for the next year, I am going to be focusing on things that make me WELL. I am going to make an effort to chronicle my journey of wellness here, more for myself than anything, but if others read along and benefit somehow, that's absolutely OK.
Here's to a year of wellness...
