To be emotionally well requires a certain level of safety net, friends, loved ones, etc. Those closest to me know that I haven't felt fulfilled in the friendship department for a while. I had some bad experiences, yes. But overall, I am not completely sure how I got to this point.
I recently read a book about another woman's search for close friends as an adult, and it helped me see clearly some of the challenges with adult women friendships. I am surrounded by female acquaintances, and some of them are utterly wonderful women. And yet, we (mostly) never get past the acquaintance/social pal level.
There are some obvious things needed to establish a friendship - having things in common to discuss, feeling cared for/being kind, being able to LAUGH, being honest, being yourself, not being easily offended (you have to be able to tell a friend if her outfit's bad, come on!). But besides all of that, now I think I have a better understanding of other factors that really affect how a friendship can grow or not grow...
1. Distance
While some terrific women live in this city, some of them live in another part of town where I just don't visit often. I can, sure. And I'm willing to. But for an every-day friendship to develop, you really need to live close to someone. In Atlanta, that's certainly a challenge, since we're so spread out. But someone who is nearby can drop in for a snack or a TV show, grab a drink or a pedicure, or drop off a book you want to borrow without it being a hassle. Unfortunately, I don't know many people I could consider "in my neighborhood".
2. Space
By this, I mean emotional space. Some of the ladies in my life are so terrific, I have slight girl (friend) crushes on them. But...their lives are simply full. That's not a bad thing for them at all! In fact, it's wonderful. They have partners, children, family members they are close to, hobbies they devote time to, and other sets of best friends around them. While we may really like each other, there's simply not space for me in their everyday emotional spectrum. Even though we enjoy chatting, they don't NEED a close friend, so that never develops. Understandable, but a bummer, sure.
3. Mutuality
Is that a word? A friendship needs to go both ways. I have always been the planner, the instigator. I don't mind it, in fact, I usually enjoy it...until it becomes clear that it's a one-sided friendship. It simply doesn't feel good to put the emotion and time into a friendship if the other person isn't doing the same. Some of my friend crushes in the past have seemed so promising...until it just seemed that I was going the extra mile and they weren't, or that I liked them way more than they liked me. Feeling friend-dumped stinks.
4. Time
This is related to space...but according to some research, it takes seeing someone twice a month for several months to develop a sort of bond with them. I'd agree with that...maybe even a little more often? Unfortunately, while some of us want to develop new friendships, we simply don't have that much time to give. I do, but often, others don't. Everyone has a busy week or month...but in general, to sustain a solid relationship, you've got to give it a significant amount of exposure and time to grow with.
5. Vulnerability.
While this should be a given, it's not discussed much. To develop a strong bond with someone, both parties need to be comfortable showing their weaknesses, being vulnerable, truthful...I feel like I have no problem showing where I'm vulnerable, but on the flip side, some of my acquaintances seem to think I'm always pretty strong. I wonder why? Am I truthfully just strong? Or do I not show my weaknesses? I also know women who are constantly competing with each other, or trying to one-up someone, or bring them down a bit. That's a way to destroy a friendship, not grow it.
At any rate, I do realize that I have to be realistic (goes back to my expectations post). I can't expect all of these things from many women. I need to accept that it's perfectly OK to reach a solid acquaintance level with someone, and for our relationship to never grow beyond that. If I meet someone who lines up with myself in the areas above, I think I'll feel the chemistry, right? A good balance of intent/action and letting things grow naturally is probably in order. Instead of lamenting that this is one area I feel like a bit of a loser in, I can try to appreciate what I do have, and hope the universe will allow some natural growth and improvement over time.
In the book I just read, I love the author's point that a true, everyday friend isn't necessarily the person you call when you have a mental breakdown or a fight with your partner...a true, everyday friend is the person you call to ask "Why do I have 4 jars of pickles in my fridge?"
It's the little stuff that counts. It's the PEOPLE who care about the little stuff that count. And really, that's what I want...those people.
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